I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
