The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize