i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
