I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
