My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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