she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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