Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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