I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
