I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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