Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
