Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
