I'm so fucking centered right now
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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