Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
