woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
