i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
