I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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