well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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