Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
