Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
