Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
