Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
