i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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