Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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