Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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