The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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