arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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