wakey wakey hands off snakey
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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