Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
