I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Fuck me I smell like cheese
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
