just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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