I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
