dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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