Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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