My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
