I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
