I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
