Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
