i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
