Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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