At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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