I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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