I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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