He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
