Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
