this beer tastes like vomit already
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Randomize
