then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
