I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
