Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
