Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
