Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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