life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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