I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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